Did you know that life as a couple continues to cause, in general, a progressive loss of autonomy and empowerment in women, placing them in a position of greater vulnerability in the processes of separation and divorce?
This is the conclusion of the study: “Experiences of women in separation and divorce processes. A qualitative study on male power dynamics and naturalized violence”, elaborated by the Instituto Navarro para la Igualdad (INAI/NABI).
It analyzes concepts that seem key to us, such as the relationship between the wage gap and divorce, as well as the importance of economic equality in the couple, not only to strengthen the relationship, but also to make an eventual breakup much cleaner and less painful for both parties.
Wage gap and divorce: What is the relationship between economic equality and breakup?
The study shows us something that we see every day: there is a gender gap in care, so that in many cases it is the woman who is mainly responsible for housework and childcare.
This results in a reduction of space and time, which also affects the development of working life. Reduced working hours, leave of absence, reduced contributions, lower career aspirations, lower salaries… are the result of this dynamic, which often becomes invisible precisely because it has been normalized for centuries.
Similarly, men often consolidate their own space to a greater extent than women: their professional career is seen as a priority, as well as their training and, at the same time, they invest less effort and time in the family, being emotionally supported to a greater extent than women, occupying the “centrality” in the couple.
Despite this, after complex separations, women are able to recover resources, autonomy and rebuild their lives, “often with greater strength and centrality”.
Thus, after the end of the relationship, they show ease in reconnecting with networks of friends and family and a great capacity to elaborate their personal process.
But the starting point at the time of the breakup is usually different: women are usually in a situation of economic disadvantage and the impact of divorce or separation can affect them “more negatively in the case of divorce, intensifying the vulnerability at the outset”.
It is revealing that this study has focused on a majority profile of women, between 35 and 47 years of age, who are not in a situation of exclusion and do not recognize themselves as victims of violence.
Moreover, they are socially integrated (studies, employment, family, friends, etc.).
This sector of the female population is not usually the subject of study precisely because it is not usually a cause for concern, but the reality shows us a naturalized structural inequality among them. Even so, according to the research, it is women who are the ones who most demand separations and divorces, due to the experience of “discomfort and frustration derived from the lack of recognition and the overload of care and domestic work”, the “accumulation of fatigue” or the lack of attention, and not so much because of the revelation of “falling out of love”.
In most cases, before separation, women go to therapy because they perceive the situation as an individual problem, when it derives from the couple’s difficulties.
There are also women who separate as a way out of the violence, which can escalate in the process.
The study’s conclusions: inequality and progressive loss of resources
Four main conclusions can be drawn from the study:
- In the life of heterosexual couples, egalitarian and reciprocal relationships are not established (decision making, negotiation, etc.) because there is a greater protagonism of men, even when men demonstrate egalitarian attitudes, commitment and gender sensitivity.
- Life as a couple between men and women generally leads to a progressive loss of empowerment and autonomy resources.
- Women tend to postpone separation until the children are older.
Shared custody may be desired or feared, depending on whether parenting has been shared before.
And in general, fear of their ex-partner’s responses and attitudes leads them to negotiate downward in agreements. - The study also addresses “covert” and “naturalized” intimate partner violence.
It delves into less visible or “obvious” “manifestations” attributed to “toxic or conflictive” relationships.
What does our experience as family lawyers tell us?
The truth is that, although fortunately there is a greater awareness of the problem of inequality in the couple, in too many cases we continue to find ourselves with very consolidated structural differences that, when facing a separation or divorce, become very palpable.
Thus, our daily practice in the firm leads us to understand that not only does the maxim that economic inequality is the general rule in couples hold true: it also holds true that inequality can in itself be a cause of breakup.
Paradoxically, becoming aware of one’s own situation of inequality or of a certain ‘abandonment’ of one’s needs and professional projects leads many women to choose to break up, precisely because they feel that, within the framework of their life as a couple, they cannot develop as they would like to.
What lessons can we draw from this?
Probably the most logical is to consider that the best way to achieve a healthy and lasting union is to start from a situation in which equality is the aspiration of both, something that is beneficial, in our opinion, for both parties: if all the burdens (work, housework, parenting …) are shared (at least approximately) equally, neither partner will be particularly disadvantaged in any aspect in the event of a breakup.
Thus, if my salary is similar to that of my partner, as well as my professional projection and my degree of involvement in the life of my children, it will be normal that the negotiation of the terms of the divorce or separation will be simple and painless (at least from the practical point of view), without any of the parties feeling helpless or in a situation of imbalance.
A breakup in which the only pain involved is emotional or sentimental will always be simpler.
Finally, the study also reminds us that, when it comes to negotiating a breakup, there is a greater tendency for women to “give in to the negotiation out of fear and to avoid conflict”.
Our advice is to opt whenever possible for the amicable route, seeking a balance of rights between both parties and, to achieve this, we start from a therapeutic approach and close accompaniment.
We will always try to ensure that each of the parties values their rights, without neglecting their obligations.
If you need help in any matter related to Family Law in Catalonia, consult our team of lawyers.
