Going through a divorce or separation is rarely a simple process: even in cases where there is no conflict and where both parties agree with the decision, you have to face a major life change and the failure of a common project ‘for life’. It goes without saying that the situation will presumably be much worse the more conflicts there are in the couple: disagreement about the decision to separate, infidelities (also financial), situations of verbal or even physical violence… Moreover, if we have children in common, this process should be developed, if possible, in an even more exquisite way, taking into account how difficult it can be for children to see how their family nucleus disintegrates.
That is why it is important to surround ourselves with professionals who can help us go through this difficult time in the healthiest way possible, thus avoiding storing a bad memory or, at least, keeping this stage in our memory as a process of profound change on the way to a better life.
And if one thing is clear, it is that if a divorce occurs, it is because it is inevitable and, in general, the alternative of staying in a couple will make you unhappier in the long run.
It is often necessary to let go of what hurts us or prevents us from growing in order to make room for all that is to come.
And it is in this context that the figure of the divorce coach comes into play, a professional who works specifically with people (or couples) going through a breakup.
In this post we answer some of the most frequent doubts about this figure, which is somewhat new in Spain but already works regularly in Anglo-Saxon countries, among others.
What is a divorce coach?
The divorce coach is a figure that is widely implemented in the United States and is increasingly being talked about in Spain. It is a professional profile in charge of helping you to go through your breakup in the healthiest way possible: among other things, they will help you to sort out your emotions and channel them correctly, providing a constructive and positive approach to your life change situation.
A good divorce coach will have varied knowledge, since a divorce, as with almost any important life situation, cannot be compartmentalized into disciplines: it is necessary to know the legal process you will go through, but also have important notions of psychology, know the practical and economic implications of a breakup … providing solutions to help you deal with it without dragging traumas.
In addition, a divorce coach can and should promote collaborative work between all the professionals involved in your breakup, especially your lawyers.
There are also those specialized in explaining the process to the children.
In general, the ideal would be that the whole family works with this type of professional, and not just one of the parties, and that, in turn, your divorce coach works together with your lawyer, something that our firm can offer you.
In this way, just as we obtained external advice and guidance to plan our wedding, it is possible to count on external support to ‘untie the knot’ in a simple way, without stigmas or unnecessary drama.
The goal is to build a healthy ‘decoupling’.
To give you a rough idea, with a divorce coach you can access coping strategies to overcome your breakup and rebuild your life, learn to control your finances individually, learn to manage conflicts in the most peaceful and healthy way possible, distribute your time according to the custody regime you decide, assume your new single status… The list of solutions and tools is very varied, almost as much as the needs that each of us faces in these cases.
What training does a divorce coach have?
There are no specific requirements, but the training of divorce coaches is usually related to psychology and/or law. Since this is purely human work, a general requirement among those who engage in it is to have great empathy and a strong ability to identify the emotions and needs of others, bringing light to their process where, due to the darkness that a breakup generates, it is difficult to see clearly.
There must also be a practical approach and an arsenal of ideas and possible solutions that work for both partners and children.
The accumulated experience will help them to identify needs and future conflicts, anticipating them and offering alternatives that allow for maximum happiness for all.
How does a divorce counselor help?
A divorce counselor can help you in multiple ways and in different types of breakups:
- If you don’t want to break up and your partner does, you will probably have the hardest part: taking on a separate life that you don’t want and dealing with a whole battery of feelings that can cause enormous suffering.
A divorce coach will help you get through it in the best possible way: quickly and without conflict becoming entrenched.
The sooner you go down this inevitable road, the sooner you can rebuild your life, and a little outside help can be just the push you need. - If you both want to break the relationship but you do not agree and you are facing a contentious divorce.
This means that there is no agreement about the measures related to the separation or divorce.
Without the necessary outside help (in addition to your lawyer), these disputes could drag on and get bigger and bigger.
It is not only about the negotiating power of your lawyers, but also about being able to compromise enough, to take some small losses or adjustments with respect to your ideal scenario and to think that the sooner everything is over (and the fairer the agreement reached), the sooner you will be free to start from scratch.
To do this, it is important to learn how to approach positions and avoid taking for granted that yours is the most appropriate: empathy, patience and open-mindedness are some tools that you will use with the help of your divorce coach. - If you have children together, it will certainly be especially advisable to work together with a divorce coach.
Also if your family is made up of children from previous couples and, in general, whenever there are people in the process of development who may be influenced by your current decisions… and by the way you treat each other.
Achieving a climate of respect and calm is not always easy in these circumstances, but there are tools to achieve it.
Above all, it is important that you can feel proud of your breakup and that, looking back, you do not regret any reaction or any bad word that sets a bad example for them.
Even if there is little or no conflict between you, don’t lose sight of the importance of having the support you need to make sure that you are indeed doing things right from a child development standpoint. - If the divorce or separation already exists but it is necessary to modify the agreement or take new steps in the breakup.
In these cases, it is time to sit down again to negotiate and you may not want to do things the same way as the previous time: that is why it is common for some people to go to a divorce coach to work in a more friendly way with their ex-partner this time, smoothing out the process, and strengthening and accommodating the breakup to the needs of all the people involved.
Divorce and women’s empowerment coach
It is no secret that, at least for now, women are the group that makes the most professional (and, ultimately, economic and personal) sacrifices in a marriage when there are children, and even when there are no children.
Emotional involvement in the family usually crosses all developmental facets of their lives, and the fact of always putting the care of the family nucleus ahead implies a large number of small and large sacrifices that, when accumulated, can end up absorbing it completely.
Fortunately, little by little the situation is moving towards a greater balance that allows, among other things, that an eventual breakup is not so devastating for the woman.
However, today there are still many ex-wives who feel that, upon divorce, the meaning of their lives is lost: many have sacrificed a large part of their social, personal and professional lives, and feel helpless in this new scenario.
That is why divorce coaching is often used especially by women, and it is no coincidence that this is the case: accompanying women to help them boost their careers and dreams is essential to find that happiness that only comes from self-realization and leadership.
The key in these cases is to encourage empowerment and offer personal growth tools that help each of us to find our place and give our qualities and goals the value they deserve.
If we add to this the work of a good family lawyer who approaches things from the same perspective and helps the woman to have the resources she deserves, the combination will undoubtedly be a winning one.
Can I work with an attorney and a divorce coach?
Of course it is!
In fact, it is the most advisable thing to do and in our office we have the collaboration of Nadege Fayard, one of the main professionals in divorce coaching in Spain.
We are also open to work together with any professional you trust, for example, from the world of psychology.
We have a wide experience in this field and we are characterized by treating each case in a very personal way, putting ourselves in your shoes and trying to accompany you as closely as possible.
Our experience tells us that this is the best way to achieve better results for you, your partner and your children.
It is not about you winning: it is about you all winning and, for this, compromise solutions are always the most lasting and the ones that generate the least future quarrels.
Divorce coaching and family mediation: a winning combination
If you are about to go through a separation or divorce, our recommendation is clear: the perfect combination to make this life change as less traumatic and as enriching and positive as possible is to rely on both a divorce coach and the work of a family lawyer acting as a mediator.
Our experience makes it clear that avoiding the judicial route is key to a healthier future for the couple and for the relationship between children and parents.
In this area, mediation manages to avoid to a great extent the emotional (and economic) cost that comes with a contentious divorce, that is, one in which there is no agreement and each of the parties has its own proposal about how things will develop from now on, once the breakup has materialized.
In this context, the family mediator acts as a neutral and objective figure so that the parties can reach an amicable agreement for the benefit of all the people involved, including, of course, the children.
The aim is to mitigate the pain of a breakup and to be able to establish a cordial and as normal and loving relationship as possible with the other party.
In the event of going to court, it is quite likely that neither party will be fully satisfied, as we will leave the final decision to a judge.
The result is a greater likelihood that the conflict will be perpetuated in the future, to the detriment of both partners and children.
On the contrary, with mediation there are no winners or losers; the polarity of the conflict is resolved in a climate of parental cooperation through the search for harmonious solutions for the benefit of all those who are affected by them.
In short, do not hesitate: avoiding the courts is always the best option. In our firm we maintain the premise that it is never too late to reach an agreement, not even at the doors of the court, and we use all the tools at our disposal to work towards an amicable and peaceful end.
If you are looking for a multidisciplinary and close team to face your separation or divorce, please contact us: we will be happy to help you..
