When working on something as delicate as a divorce or separation with children, lawyers and psychologists must go hand in hand to cover all angles of family welfare.
These are sometimes very hard processes on an emotional level, where conflicts and quarrels often arise.
The children bear the brunt and the way we act with respect to them can mark their lives, in addition to the decisions made by the judge regarding the custody of the children.
That is why today we are talking about divorce and psychology and, specifically, about a concept that appears in the new Judicial Power Guide on shared custody: positive co-parenting. What is positive co-parenting and how does it influence the child’s well-being?
How to apply this style both in case of divorce or separation and in any other family situation? The text is based on the idea that, although in principle shared custody is usually the ideal option for the development of children when a couple breaks up, this is not always the case. It is up to us to get involved in the upbringing of our children and to do so in a positive way, respecting the other parent and facilitating the transition to the new family model.
Logically, judges take into account the role of each parent when deciding on custody and guardianship. In this post you can learn about the aspects that the judge values in these cases, among which are the following:
- To have participated in the children’s routines since birth.
- That the parents’ educational systems or patterns are similar.
- The relationship between the parents: it is not relevant by itself to determine shared custody, but it is relevant when this relationship affects the child and harms him/her.
- The result of the report of the psychosocial team of the courts: parents and minors are interviewed to observe how they interact with each other.
- The wishes of minors: this will be taken into account in any case in those over 12 years of age.
The idea of positive co-parenting fits perfectly with these criteria. This will be discussed below.
Positive Co-parenting and Positive Parenting
There are two key concepts within this particular field of psychology that can help us in any separation or divorce process with children: positive parenting and positive co-parenting. Both are related and serve to improve our family relationships, as well as the management of a breakup.
Positive parenting and custody
Starting with the concept of positive parenting, as the Judicial Branch Guide reminds us, this consists of “parental behavior based on the best interests of the child, which is caring, develops the child’s capacities, is non-violent and offers recognition and guidance, including the establishment of limits that allow the child’s full development”. Forensic psychologist Juana María Biezma López and Professor of Legal Psychology of Minors Francisca Fariña Rivera speak about this in the Guide.
Thus, according to the authors,the task of parenting is to foster positive relationships between parents and children, in order to guarantee their rights within the family and achieve their maximum development and well-being. This requires parental control to be based on affection, support, communication, stimulation, the structuring of routines, the establishment of limits, rules and consequences, and the accompaniment and involvement in the daily life of the children. More concretely, positive parenting consists of following guidelines such as the following:
- Create warm, protective and stable emotional bonds so that children feel loved and accepted.
- Establish a structured environment where they learn norms and values based on an appropriate model.
- Stimulate and support daily and school learning to foster their motivation by accompanying them in shared activities.
- Recognize the evolutionary achievements of the children, showing interest in their world, their experiences and concerns, developing appropriate communication patterns that respond to their needs.
- Empowering sons and daughters, enhancing their perception that they are active, competent agents capable of participating and having a voice in the family and influencing others in a positive way.
- Educate them without violence, both physical and emotional.
In addition, the Guide discusses the four parenting styles recognized by the field of psychology:
- Democratic: High warmth and high control.
- Authoritarian: Low warmth and high control.
- Negligent: Low warmth and low control.
- Permissive: High warmth and low control.
Logically, the democratic model has proven to be the most positive for children. It consists of parenting based on warmth, responsibility and consistent discipline.
In fact, when applied by both parents, it is the one that best predicts the ‘adjustment’ of the offspring (the concept of ‘adjustment’ consists of the process by which a human being copes adequately with daily life, maintaining emotional, mental and physical balance). On the contrary, the worst adjustment takes place with the neglectful model . Moreover, in cases where one parent is permissive and the other authoritarian, children are not usually poorly adjusted.
The Guide also recalls that a democratic style is related to higher self-esteem. The key is to use these concepts to our advantage to improve our skills as parents and to reach an agreement on the way in which the children’s education should be developed.
It is not only about being able to exercise shared custody, but also about giving the importance that our role as responsible educators deserves.
Positive co-parenting and custody
The concept of positive co-parenting is related to the existence of two parents.
Initially this term was used in the context of divorce, but nowadays it refers to how parents collaborate in the upbringing of their children, whether they are divorced or not. Co-parenting is defined as the way in which parents function together in their role as parents. Thus, positive co-parenting can be established to the extent that:
- Parents agree on matters relating to the upbringing of their children
- Distribute child-related work
- Support or assist each other in their parenting role
- Joint management of parenting conflicts
As the CGPJ Guide reminds us, positive co-parenting entails a collaborative relationship between parents, based on the best interests of their offspring. This obliges them to support each other and to show solidarity in their efforts to meet the needs of their children.
However, this, which is essential for the well-being of all family members, especially the children, is not fulfilled on too many occasions, especially in the process of a couple’s breakup.
Specifically, the exercise of positive co-parenting in couple breakup requires that parents:
- Respect each other and recognize the importance of the other in the upbringing of children
- Interact constructively
- Know how to communicate fluently and effectively
- Express willingness to agree and assume responsibility for parental responsibility on equal terms.
If you need help in a divorce or separation case with children or in a modification of the custody regime, consult our lawyers in Barcelona. We will be happy to guide you.
